Raindrops on Roses

How about reason?

2011-01-10T20:05:00.000-08:00

The Tuscon Shooting Spree was not a political act. It was the horrific act of a young man with a broken misfiring brain, who gave ample warning signs in the month prior to the attack. He should have been at the least on medications, and probably in residential treatment - and given those warning signs his family could have gotten the court's help in getting that help for him - but to my knowledge there was no intervention. If fingers are to be pointed, let them be pointed at his family, or at his teachers and fellow students and YouTube viewers who didn't report him to Law Enforcement so that he'd at least be on their radar.

This is not about politics. This is not about Left Vs Right, Conservative Vs Liberal, Republican Vs Democrat. This is about an insane young man acting upon his delusions and killing/injuring a great many people in the process. He should absolutely be held accountable for what he did, and face the consequences for those actions. I just think he should be tried for the evil he did, as the individual he is, and not as the Poster Boy for whatever Political Party you think is Evil Incarnate.

This is not the year...

2010-12-31T19:37:00.000-08:00

This is not the year I'll get rich.

This is not the year I'll get thin and gorgeous.

This is not the year I'll magically become perfect...

This IS the year I'll have Enough, and share what's left over.

This is the year I'll take better care of the beautiful body Goddess gave me.

This is the year I'll accept that, like Mary Poppins, I am perfectly imperfect in every way - and that I am blessed with love from friends who've never "met" me, cousins I didn't know I had, and family I thought was lost to me forever.

This is the year I'll embrace my blessings instead of waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Happy, Blessed New Year!

St. Nikolas Day

2010-12-06T15:15:00.000-08:00

40 years ago today, I was running around the house in a crazed sugar-high, clutching a beautiful white and gold Mrs. Clause Boot half-full of chocolate (the other half already smeared all over my face and in my belly).

30 years ago today, I was handing a package slip over to the desk clerk at my dorm and retrieving a parcel from my Dad that contained a small bag of holiday chocolates since I couldn't be home to put my shoe in the window.

10 years ago today, I was opening a holiday card from my Dad with $10 enclosed and orders to go buy myself some candy.

5 years ago today, I swam out of my numb grief long enough to realize that I was never going to get another St Nikolas Boot, Candy or Card from my Dad again and started drowning all over again.

Today, I'm thinking of Dad. I'm nibbling on a piece of Peppermint Bark my husband had a coworker bring back from Ghirardelli Square for me, and trying to remember where I put the little wooden candy tree he made me so I can start decorating the house a little. I hadn't planned on celebrating but my beautiful cousin Erika pointed out that if I can't celebrate it for myself, I can still do it for him.

Happy St. Nikolas Day, Everyone!

Thursday Thanks

2010-11-18T14:30:00.000-08:00

Today, I am thankful that we had a good vacation. I'm especially thankful that we had the privelege of meeting my cousin Jane Cartwright, who grew up with my mother. Jane is one awesome woman, who has stuffed 3 or 4 lifetimes' experience into her 80-some-odd years. She is, as she puts it, "semi disabled", using a walker and scooter at home and a wheelchair when out and about - but she gets out more than I do with my two more or less good legs and has a lot of fun doing it. For that 1 hour lunch that turned into a 3 hour visit, I got to bask in the glow of a giant loving heart squeezed into a tiny little body. I can't wait to go back again, this time with a digi-recorder, and listen to more of her stories.

Samhain/Dia de los Muertos

2010-11-02T22:25:00.000-07:00

This is my shrine for Dad:

No candles because we have cats and I can hear him asking "do you vant to set de house on fire?", so I've got my grandmother's oldoldold incense burner up there instead.

The statue couldn't look more like him if he had posed for it. It lived in his office, and then his home office, for more than 30 years - and now he lives with me.

I haven't finished Mom's shrine yet. This is actually rather appropriate, because bless her heart, she was never on time for anything. If I finish it by the weekend, that will be about right. Besides, I still need to find her a bottle of RC Cola!

Tis the season...

2010-10-31T17:09:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday, Dad. Love you, miss you - and if there are trick or treaters in heaven, have fun scaring the bejesus out of them!

This is not a shiny happy post.

2010-10-21T01:13:00.000-07:00

I feel I have to say that, because this blog – my public one – is where I try to stay positive and spread hope. However, this month is Awareness Month for so many issues, and I need to talk about the one that is so often swept under the carpet – because even now, it’s the dirty little secret nobody wants to talk about – or if they do, they make sure to dump a heaping helping of blame squarely on the head of the victim.

Yep – it’s Domestic Violence Awareness Month again, and 24 years after I escaped I am still painfully aware of it. I think it’s safe to say I’ll ALWAYS remember, always watch the faces of the men and women around me, trying to read them, guage the safety level in the room… It’s one of the ways you stay alive.

In the many years since I escaped, I’ve had people say such helpful and supportive things as “well why didn’t you just leave? I *never* would have let a man do that to me… It must not have been that bad if you stuck around so long… what did you do to make him beat you, it must have been really awful…” I know I’m not the only survivor who has been asked/told that. So today, I am going to speak for all of the women who haven’t escaped yet, who have no voice because speaking out will get them killed… and for the women who are dead because they couldn’t escape in time…

You say you know all about Domestic Violence because your mother’s best friend’s sister’s cousin is an abuse victim. My response is this:

If you have never received a paycheck and been forced to give it to him to deposit or cash, so that you have to ask him for every cent you need – you don’t know squat about domestic abuse.

If you have never been forced to get naked the second you get home from work, and stay that way when you’re in the house so you can’t run out the door for help if he starts beating you – you don’t know squat about domestic violence.

If you have never found yourself squeezing your naked body into that tiny space between the bathtub and toilet, trying to avoid the worst of his punches – you don’t know squat about domestic violence.

If you have never sat in the bathroom at work, stuffing your fist in your mouth to stifle your sobs as you miscarry because your husband had punched you in the stomach the week before and you’d been cramping and spotting ever since – and then gone back to work to finish your shift before going to the ER because you know if your paycheck is short, he’ll beat you for that too… you don’t know squat about domestic violence and abuse.

It’s really easy to say “I’d never put up with that!” when you’re not in the situation. It would be easy to just leave if he beat you on the first or second date, or in the first month or two of the relationship – but he doesn’t do that. He waits. He’s charming. He convinces you that he “gets” you in a way no-one else can. He slowly, subtly separates you from your family and friends until you are totally dependent on him… and THEN he starts “correcting” or “punishing” you, and always “for your own good'”. You start to believe him when he says you’re ugly, you’re worthless, he’s doing you a favor by keeping you because Gods know nobody else would… and you start to accept that this horror you’re living is the life you deserve, and the only one you’ll ever get.

I was lucky. I escaped, with some help, and with my body intact. Repairing my soul… well, that’s a work in progress.

If you want to help women like I once was, then Awareness isn’t enough anymore. Set aside the judgment and misconceptions, and offer to help. There are all sorts of women’s crisis centers and shelters that are understaffed and extremely under-budgeted. Give them some money, volunteer some time, donate some clothes – do SOMETHING. Watch out for your friends – if one starts cancelling her time with you, or can only see you when her husband is around, TALK to her. Make sure she’s really ok, and make sure she knows you’re there no matter what.

So what are you waiting for? Go. Help. Do…

Mother’s Day

2010-05-08T19:59:00.001-07:00

from my friend Robin:

Mother's Day Proclamation, 1870

Julia Ward Howe

Arise then...women of this day!
Arise, all women who have hearts!
Whether your baptism be of water or of tears!
Say firmly:
"We will not have questions answered by irrelevant agencies,
Our husbands will not come to us, reeking with carnage,
For caresses and applause.
Our sons shall not be taken from us to unlearn
All that we have been able to teach them of charity, mercy and patience.
We, the women of one country,
Will be too tender of those of another country
To allow our sons to be trained to injure theirs."

From the bosom of a devastated Earth a voice goes up with
Our own. It says: "Disarm! Disarm!
The sword of murder is not the balance of justice."
Blood does not wipe out dishonor,
Nor violence indicate possession.
As men have often forsaken the plough and the anvil
At the summons of war,
Let women now leave all that may be left of home
For a great and earnest day of counsel.
Let them meet first, as women, to bewail and commemorate the dead.
Let them solemnly take counsel with each other as to the means
Whereby the great human family can live in peace...
Each bearing after his own time the sacred impress, not of Caesar,
But of God -
In the name of womanhood and humanity, I earnestly ask
That a general congress of women without limit of nationality,
May be appointed and held at someplace deemed most convenient
And the earliest period consistent with its objects,
To promote the alliance of the different nationalities,
The amicable settlement of international questions,
The great and general interests of peace.

This was Julia Ward Howe's original vision -- not the 'Hallmark holiday' that Mother's Day has become, or even the celebration of the personal and individual family mother that Anna Jarvis (the younger) promoted successfully.

The woman who wrote "The Battle Hymn of the Republic", having seen the devastation wrought by the Civil War upon both sides, had come to despise war and saw mothers as the best defense against it. I can only imagine how appalled she would be at the thought of mothers sending their children on suicide missions or teaching them to hate other mothers' children based on things like race or religion or sexual orientation.

Share her vision with another mother today.

On the Care and Feeding of Friendships, Whether Internet or "Real Life"

2010-03-01T15:16:00.000-08:00

No matter how much she loves you, no matter how well she understands and how forgiving she is of life's demands, the time WILL come...

When she's had one too many communications left unanswered, and stops trying to communicate...

When she's been put on the bottom of your list once too often, and stops expecting you'll get 'round to her...

When she's had a really devastating personal crisis, and looks around to see that once again, you're too busy to be there...

When she looks around herself, and sees how many people DO communicate, DO get around to her, ARE there for her as she is for them...

And if there's any love left she'll say goodbye to you on her way out the door.

If this happens, there should be no cause for surprise or bewilderment, because it will have been a direct result of your (in)actions.

Still Standing...

2009-12-31T23:19:00.001-08:00

I don't think I've ever been as glad to see a year end as I am waving goodbye to 2009. I can't call it a BAD year, because while a lot of Really Bad Stuff happened, I still am alive and fed and warm. I have a roof over my head. I have a car that mostly runs. I have medical insurance that *knock wood* really does cover most of my medical needs. I am less than 6 months from being completely debt-free. And I have a husband who loves me beyond measure and is with me for the duration.

So I'm not going to recap the year. I'm not going to make resolutions for the new year. I'm just going to take this moment to thank God/dess for the blessings I have, and to hope/wish/pray for many blessings for all of us in 2010.

I've been lax...

2009-11-12T12:46:00.000-08:00

I haven't really been feeling the gratitude lately, much less the bliss. Life behaved as it often does for a person with Bipolar Disorder, and a simple dosage adjustment became a month-long ride on the Bipolarcoaster - complete with anxiety and paranoia. Another dosage adjustment and I had my balance again - only to be hit in swift succession with H1N1 and my mother's emergency hospitalization.

HOWEVER...

I am lucky enough to have had the MILD version of H1N1, which felt like a particularly bad and long fibromyalgia flareup. Not fun, but I can feel gratitude here: with my whacky immune system, I could have been much worse. Thank you, Gods and Goddesses of health and healing, for that.

Because I have reached the "feel like crap but no longer contagious" stage, I was able to get to the hospital yesterday. I got to sit and hold my Mommy's hand and listen to her talk about parts of my childhood, and feel love emanating from her. There was no sign of the Angry Mom who had such a bad relationship with her Angry Hormonal Teen Daughter, or her Angry Undiagnosed Mentally Ill Adult Daughter. I am SO grateful for that. If the worst happens between now and Saturday when I will see her again, I get to know that our last conversation was a loving happy one. Thank you, Mother and Crone Goddesses, for opening that doorway between Mommy and me. I've missed her.

Today, in spite of the worry and in spite of still feeling under the weather, is A Good Day.

Happiness is...

2009-10-01T20:49:00.001-07:00

... being loved by a husband who comes home from work and makes you a fried egg sammich when you're not feeling well enough to cook.

... having a shiny new phone to play with.

... being able to nap whenever I need to.

... figuring out how to do a stitch that was completely beyond me a week ago.

... having enough.

... BEING enough.

Gratitude Project Monday August 17 - the I'm not freaking out, honest! edition

2009-08-17T12:11:00.001-07:00

Today, I am grateful for:

a husband who calls within seconds of receiving an "I'm not freaking out" email and knows just what to say to get me to laugh.

being a patient at a medical group that's really on top of its game.

having good medical insurance with a fair and reasonable pre-authorization policy.

Lorazepam. Lots of Lorazepam.

Gratitude Project August 9

2009-08-09T00:34:00.001-07:00

Today, I'm grateful that I'm part of an old married couple, and I like it. He bought shelves, a tv stand, and a toaster this weekend and I was happier with that than I would have been with flowers, candy and jewelry.

I'm grateful that we are both finally starting to recover from the not-the-swine-flu from hell. And I'm grateful he had sick time and PTO accrued so that we're not hurting from his doctor-ordered week off work.

I'm grateful for the latest xray report that told us what it isn't, even if it didn't tell us what it is.

And I'm especially grateful that while the moods still swing, they're not going too far, and I still feel like I've got my balance.

Happy Sunday!

Gratitude Project Thursday August 6

2009-08-06T00:18:00.001-07:00

Today (and every day) I am grateful for all of my heartsisters. Especially you, Robin.

I'm grateful that Robert cooked breakfast and dinner for me (and that he does it so often).

I'm grateful for the earth, air, fire, water and spirit that sustain me every day.

And I'm grateful for hearing my mother's voice on the phone today. She may not be all there anymore, but she sounded happy.

The Gratitude Project - August 4

2009-08-04T09:43:00.001-07:00

Today I am very grateful that we have medical insurance with prescription coverage.

I am grateful that we've had temperatures below 90 over the past week.

I am grateful that, for whatever reason, my circadian rhythm has rebooted itself. I have been sleeping more or less on Robert's schedule for almost 2 weeks now.

That's a bliss and blessing as well as a gratitude, by the way.

Gratitude Project

2009-08-03T09:36:00.001-07:00

I've been tagged by my spiritual sisters Aisling and Kathy for the Gratitude Project. I'm torn between wanting to please and wanting to be realistic about what I can accomplish on a regular basis (darn those pesky disappearing spoons ), so I'm simply going to say this: I will post a gratitude or bliss a day as often as I am able, through August and beyond.

And today's gratitude is this: after a week of Hubby being sick with the bone-achy-dizzy-cough-a-lung-up flu, he is recovering. He should be able to go back to work tomorrow and I can stop worrying that ZOMG it might be swine flu we're all going to dieeeeee....

A bonus gratitude for the weekend - I emailed my brother De Doc with a question that had me fretting - and he knew what I needed and responded with love and reassurance. I'm grateful beyond words that he can do that for me.

Now let's watch and see what bliss and blessings the Universe brings us to be grateful for this week...

Too Blue to Bliss Lately...

2009-07-31T22:46:00.001-07:00

But at least I have a couple of yay-me's to post about!

I have new glasses - 2 pair. They've been sitting waiting to be picked up and today I gritted my teeth through the anxiety and drove to the mall to pick them up.

And they're CUTE.

Ok, I guess that's 3 things. :)

Happy Weekend!

Not quite a bliss, not quite a gratitude, but both somehow...

2009-07-22T05:22:00.001-07:00

Validation in 2 sentences from a total stranger:

New eye doctor, looking at my neverending medical chart... "you've come through an awful lot, kiddo, and that's a lot of hard work. It's something to be proud of, and if you're not you should be!"

It was like... wow. He got it - that it's work, not bravery or luck, that gets us through those rough patches. He got ME, and it made my day.

The part where he called me kiddo didn't hurt either... ;-)

Little Bits of Bliss on an EARLY Friday Morning...

2009-07-17T02:27:00.001-07:00

I blame Mare for this: Live Ireland. I can't decide if I like the contemporary irish or traditional and folk irish music channels better. I just know it's making me smile and bounce a little in my chair.

I found out from the opthamologist today that the prescription I'm wearing now is a full diopter too strong, and that is probably what's been causing at least part of my headaches and fatigue, not to mention the words swimming on the page when I try to read. Knowing that ordering the new prescription means I'll be able to read for pleasure again without triggering a headache, and that *knock wood* the headaches and fatigue are going to start getting better is a very special wonderful bliss.

The huge stack of books I've been buying and not reading because of the headaches are no longer a source of frustration and depression. Now they're hope and happiness just waiting to happen.

My fingers worked well enough today to fasten my charm bracelet on the second try.

My newest dress pattern arrived in the mail today: a reprint/resize of a 1947 halter dress pattern. I think I have JUST enough of the green Skull fabric to make it.

I actually FEEL like making clothes again.

My bright red new Chucks make my gunboat feet look smaller. This makes me happy.

Even though it was a margarita-shakin tremor day, my hands worked well enough to fasten my charm bracelet on the second try. That may not be BLISS but it's smile-worthy and I'll take it gratefully.

Tuesday Blissiness

2009-07-14T22:46:00.001-07:00

5 things that made me happy today:

Linda the Awesome Chiropractor gave me a killer adjustment.

I got my hairs cut.

The stylist gave me exactly what I wanted.

Watermelon Twizzler Pull and Peels.

I got to listen to Barbara Padilla (the fantastic opera singer who is a cancer survivor) on tonight's rerun of America's Got Talent (she's worth searching youtube for if you didn't get to see/hear her).

3 things I did well today:

I fought the anxiety attack and won - and got all of my errands done because of it.

I made several phone calls I've been putting off for too long.

I stayed in a good headspace all day.

Belated Blissing

2009-07-13T16:44:00.001-07:00

The Husband points out I haven't blissed in a while. He's right (as he so often is, dammit!), but I just haven't feeling the bliss since my last post. On the other hand, the point of Dr. Girl Friend's Bliss List Prescription was to keep me from sliding back into a depressive swing... so I suppose that means she's right too (which she usually is, but I pay her to be right so I have to listen,don't I?) and it's time for another bliss list:

How about coming in from walking the Wonder Mutt in 100 degree heat, turning off all the lights, stripping down to my skin, and cranking the AC as cold as I can get it? Standing between the vent and the bedroom fan and spritzing myself with my favorite and sparingly used L'Occitane Verbena Eau de Cologne? Pulling down the blender and making a homemade soy mocha blender drink thingie? Those are good...

And how about reconnecting with my sisterlove Thorne? It was wonderful to write back and forth over the weekend - I could hear her voice in my head as I read her emails. That was good too... :)

And letting go of the anger (even if just for a little while) and feeling JUST the love... tearfully gratefully good.

And the most important: loving and being loved - by most of my bio family, by all of my chosen heart-family, and always always always by The Husband.

Yeah, that's Bliss.

Bliss and Blessings

2009-07-05T05:54:00.000-07:00

Home Cooked Meals can be bliss. So can having dinner for breakfast.

Last night was one of those nights where I couldn't sleep because of the pain, and couldn't take any more pain pills because I'd maxed out already, so I'd be lying if I said the night was blissful... but falling asleep finally, about 8am, was moving past bliss to heavenly. I woke up once to take my daily meds (because my beloved husband woke me up to take them on time - a much-appreciated blessing), then back to sleep until 4pm. Once I'd had coffee I realized I was hungry. Didn't want a bowl of Colon-Blow, hadn't been grocery shopping... so I opened up the freezer and cupboards, rolled on the "4 random things" recipe, and scored a critical success: Asparagus/cheese ravioli with chicken breast strips, shredded cheddar, and Campbell's Garden Broccoli soup as sauce.

Being able to stand up and cook when it's been beyond me for a while, even though I was in pain? A blessing. Seing that I didn't have to clean the kitchen first because Hubby had done it while I slept? A blissful blessing. Taking that first bite of Dreakfast and realizing it was made of Yum? Somewhere between bliss, joy, and mouthgasm.

Happy weekend, all two of you who read this! ;-)

A different sort of bliss today...

2009-07-04T00:25:00.001-07:00

A couple of days ago I paid for a membership at Ancestry. In the short time since joining, I've discovered ancestors going all the way back to the early 1700's, filling the gaps in the family lineage as Mom remembered it. I haven't found much on Dad yet, but enough to tell me where to look next. This makes me happy. I can't wait to see who or what I discover next. :)

Thursday!

2009-07-02T21:46:00.001-07:00

I skipped the Bliss last night, and just didn't feel right at all. So here we go:

Playing footsies with Hubby as we sit at our separate desks and get our geek on. The chiropractor releasing a spot in my neck that's felt pinchy for weeks. Having the hubby home and to myself for a 4 day weekend. Standing barefoot on the cold kitchen floor. Walking into a dark cool apartment after an afternoon running errands in the heat. Chatting online with beloved friends. The first sip of icewater on waking up from a nap. Green Skully Fabric. Bright Fuschia Eyelet Fabric. Bright Red Brand New Chucks that fit and feel GOOOOD. Loving and Being Loved.

Almosty Wednesday...

2009-06-30T23:39:00.001-07:00

Couldn't sleep, realized I hadn't blissed today:

My brother realizing I need to hear "I love you" and saying it. Fierce Brave MeeMee Cat allowing a rare snuggle. Crocheting. Making progress on my blanket. Hubby walking the WonderMutt so I don't have to. Hershey's Dark Kisses. Coffee. Buying winter clothes on clearance in June. Watching America's Got Talent with Hubby and catching each other crying over the Country Singer at the end. And always, loving and being loved.

Some nights, the bliss doesn't come so easily.

2009-06-30T03:03:00.001-07:00

Music helps. Thank God/dess for the Corrs!

And another:

And one more before I head off to sleep:

Good night, my loves and lovelies!

Sunday Bliss

2009-06-28T22:48:00.001-07:00

11 solid hours of sleep when I went back to bed at 4am. Hershey Bars dunked in creamy organic peanut butter. Homemade vanilla soy mochas. Icewater with a side of Tuscan Cantaloupe. Working on my red pink and orange granny square blanket while I decide whether to make a mermaid or fairy doll first. Bright pink sequined maryjane sneakers that I can't wait to wear. Knowing it will be 105 degrees tomorrow and I can stay home in the AC all day. Robin's nightly "eat, pray, bed" posts. Looking around the apartment and knowing I have enough. Reaching out to an estranged branch of the family and being embraced. Being married to my best friend.

Welcome to the Bliss List!

2009-06-28T02:28:00.001-07:00

I'm here on doctor's orders: I'm to write 5 minutes of stream of consciousness blissful things every day, and share them with my friends. *waves at friends* I invite you to share your blissful things either in comments or in your own blog/journal/facebook.

So today I'm cheating, because it's already 2am and I feel like I can get to sleep soon... it's not going to be 5 minutes....

It's 2am and I feel like I can get to sleep soon! Robert made egg/asparagus/cheese breakfast burritos for me this morning. I have ideas percolating for some dolls. A comment my counselor made gave me some ideas for purses (which I've never actually made but I'm sure I can). Goddess provided a way for me to get the new glasses I need. Sadie the Wondermutt needs a bath, and when she needs a bath she smells like caramel corn, which makes me happy. I'm happy a lot lately. Life is good even when it's hard and I know that with all of my being.

And this was more than 5 minutes after all, but only because One Eyed Wilma the WonderKitty forced her way onto my lap for a loud purry cuddle. I say it's annoying but it's happy-making too.

And that's my Saturday Night Bliss session! Good night, everyone!